2084. Mad Todd: The Ranch Warrior, Parts 1 and 2

By The 5th Dentist

Narrator: The vision dims, and all that remains are memories. They take me back. Back to the place where the machines produced ranch.

[Flyover scene of desert. Amid a dust storm, the ancient wreck of a ranch tanker truck is revealed as the camera nears. It is partly charred, its wheels and sides are pierced and surrounded by piles of acorns.]

Narrator: And I remember the terrible battle we fought against the Muslim LGBT Conspiracy armed with defective Trumpy Bears. The Davii and the Desnudas who helped to save us. But for what? Is this what we fought for?

[A tiny black dot begins to appear through the orange-tinted heat-waves. Blurry, and coming nearer.]

Narrator: The fruited plain was ravaged since 2073. Liberal Muslim LGBTs from Iran and Mexico sabotaged all of the oil production in the fruited plain. Nothing moves without coming under attack for fuel. Precious fuel.

[The black dot by this point has come close enough to distinguish an armored mobility scooter, with a man aboard.]

Narrator: We fight for fuel every day on the fruited plain. But one man. A hard man. A man in studded leather for some odd reason…fights for something else. He is…The Ranch Warrior!

[The Camera zooms in to show Mad Todd. Todd now stops his scooter and heroically stands next to his dog, Nugget to survey the fruited plain. Todd unstraps two full cans of gasoline from the tanker and throws them aside. He then kicks the side of the ranch tanker to hear only a hollow clang. He then walks to the cab of the truck and opens the driver’s side door. A cymbow wails as a dried corpse riddled with acorns falls from the empty cab.]

Todd: We should get back to base for now Nugget. There is no Ranch here.

[Todd climbs back on his scooter and fishtails dramatically to go back in the opposite direction: fading back into the orange distance. End scene.]


[Cut to village comprised of school buses and campers; most broken down. A group of children is being trained in stick gun skills by Cults and Flowers, the village’s ultimate warrior.]

Cults and Flowers: Pay attention, scrubs. You dip the acorn in the maple poison. You load the acorn in your stick gun. You aim. You fire. Now, do it!

[The children line up and begin. Some hitting their targets. Some missing. One fumbles with his stick gun and accidentally fires toward a girl. Cults and Flowers, in an instant, is standing in front of the girl and holding the misfired acorn.]

Cults and Flowers: Someday, children, you will learn to be one with the wasteland. As the snake. Practice striking with your stick guns…but don’t shoot each other. And when you are done, we will go and gather more poisonous plants.

[Cults and Flowers turns to walk away from the training area and sees Todd parking his scooter. Jane Exspecting, the village’s technical wizard, takes the scooter and pulls it into the maintenance trailer. Nugget runs toward the children training. Todd sees Cults and Flowers and shakes his head.]

Todd: I was out all day, Cults. No Ranch, anywhere.

Cults and Flowers: Todd, I have told you every day for 11 years that we are looking for fuel. Not Ranch.

Todd: Someday, Cults. I will find all the ranch that we need.

Cults and Flowers: You are useless, Todd.

[Suddenly, a voice screams out and a bell rings. The lookout, Gamer, slides down the ladder of the tower to get a stick gun.]

Gamer: They are coming again! Battle stations!

[The camp becomes a commotion of activity. All of the inhabitants take up arms as MaryJane rounds up the children and leads them to a bunker. Within seconds, all is silent and only breathing can be heard, along with the approaching sound of engines. The camera shows the overhead view of the camp, and a dust cloud approaching. The camera drops down to the leading edge of the dust cloud and figures inside can barely be seen. Horrible faces. Motorcycles. Burning flags. Walking fish bumper stickers.

The cloud stops 50 yards from the camp’s wall and dissipates to reveal the wasteland horde. Like a pestilence, they have never died, and have recently grown in numbers. After the fuel crisis, only survival matters. LGBT Muslim Atheists started following strongman leaders in order to survive. A large, shaved man sitting on an armored dune buggy speaks into a microphone.]

Mariner (over PA): We have been patient, but your time is up, Settlers. We know you have fuel inside. Walk away, and we will let you live. Just..walk..away.

[A gimp on a leash held by Mariner scrambles up to affirm his master’s command.]

Fender: Urrgh!

[Mariner yanks the leash and pulls the gimp to his side. Patting his head to calm him.]

Mariner (Over PA): One day, settlers. We will return at sunrise tomorrow. We will take your camp, and all in it. Stay, or go. The choice is yours.

[The wasteland horde turns and begins to drive back toward the horizon. An angry settler shoots his stick gun and hits one of the horde on the back of the motorcycle. But the driver of the motorcycle simply laughs and shoves the dying man off the bike. The scene ends in a cloud of dust.]

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