2084. Mad Todd: The Ranch Warrior – The Exciting Conclusion!

By: The Fifth Dentist

Scene 5

[Speeding along the blue-tinted techno-city streets on the inside of the giant wall, Todd quickly assesses the situation. Humans walk along the streets, but barely alive. Not even acknowledging the ramshackle bus speeding past them. This is the land of left wingers. This is the progressive dream. Uniformity. Passivity. Obedience.]

Todd: Cults and Flowers. I need you to get ready. We are getting off the bus.

Cults and Flowers: What? Wait.

Todd: Trust me, and get your stick gun. Be ready.

MaryJane: What about the rest of us?

Todd: You have to take over driving, MaryJane. (Todd whispers some additional instructions to Mary, then shouts to all on the bus.) Get ready? Hold On!

[The bus screeches to a stop. Todd and Cults and Flowers scramble out the side door and run down an alley as the bus immediately starts moving again. The bus continues driving and slams directly into a garage door. Odd siren noises begin wailing immediately.]

MegaZombieTransHillaReid over City-wide PA: BeharBots in sector 8, investigate unauthorized breach!

[Horribly disfigured robots with heads resembling red goats’ asses swarm around the building with the broken door. The BeharBots find a burning bus inside, with nobody on it. Outside, a BeharBot calls out to the fire team, as the edge of the scene shows a number of civilians walking away from the scene, apparently oblivious. MaryJane turns briefly so that we see her and the remaining few settlers alive and moving…ready to infiltrate the city.]

BeharBot: KennedyBot! Hurry up and address this fire!

[A team of JoeyJackJohn KennedyBots (Mark VIII) emerge around the corner and begin spraying fluid from their face-nozzles.]

KennedyBot: Yesphsh. BeharBot. We are shpraying. Pbfltssh.

[The KennedyBot squad quickly douses the flames by spraying the entire area with salival fluid from their face-nozzles.]

KennedyBot: Fire is out, BeharBot.

BeharBot: Area is secure, Dear Leader.

MegaZombieTransHillaReid: Return to work, comrades!

[Todd and Cults and Flowers during the commotion, broke into an LGBT conspiracy building and stepped out of view of the BeharBots. Sneaking down the stairs into what appears to be a museum, of sorts, Todd locates what he has been seeking all these years.]

Todd: It is the Ranch, Cults. We have made it.

[Todd continues down the stairs, grabs the keg of ranch dressing and straps it to his back. Cults and Flowers, staring at a display case nearby calls to Todd.]

Cults and Flowers: Todd. Do you think this will be useful?

[Todd walks over and sees what Cults and Flowers has found.]

Todd: Yes, Cults and Flowers. Bring those. They will be very useful.

[Todd and Cults and Flowers run out the door and down the street toward the center of the techno-city. A BeharBot approaches the pair due to their unauthorized running.]

BeharBot: Stop and identify yourself. Are you an L, G, B, or T?

Todd: No. We…are…hetero!

BeharBot: (enraged) prepare to be reindoctrinated!

Todd: Cults! Now!

[Cults and Flowers grabs from her pocket, one of the items she found in the museum. It is an autographed photo of Mike Pence and Billy Graham standing together. Cults and Flowers holds the photo to face BeharBot.]

Cults and Flowers: Hallelujah, Bitch!

[BeharBot spins out of control, finally melting down into a molten puddle of hate. Todd and Cults and Flowers continue running until they reach a door on the central tower in the city. A voice comes from a speaker on the keypad. Please state the password.]

Cults: Use this Todd.

[Cults hands a CD case to Todd and he recites the lyrics from it.]

Todd (Gyrating): Oh oh Wee-ell-Now! Relax don’t do it. When you want to go to it. Relax don’t do it. When you want to come.

Cults: (Whispering) She can’t even see you gyrating, Todd. You don’t need to…

Todd (Gyrating): oh oh oh. But shoot it in the right direction. Make making it your intention-ooh yeah.

Door speaker: The door opened. Like a minute ago. You can enter.

Cults: Where did you even get a flashlight, Todd?

Todd (Gyrating and waving a flashlight): Live those dreams. Scheme those schemes. Got to hit me. Hit me. Hit me with those laser beams. I’m coming. I’m coming-yeah…

[Cults slaps Todd before running inside.]

Cults: Todd! Come on!

[Todd realizes where he is and follows. End Scene]

Scene 6

[Todd and Cults enter the Main Hall of the Progressive Nirvana. It is already full of drones chanting a chorus of “Born That Way”. But, they are hypnotically unaware of anything around them, except for their dear leader on the screen. MegaZombieHillaReid. And she lectures from the screen.]

MegaZombieHillaReid (To her followers): You are a special snowflake. But you didn’t build that.

[Todd turns a corner to reveal an ancient time machine, which can only run with Ranch. Todd fills the tank from the keg on his back, then turns to Cults and explains what has to happen.]

Todd: On this time-line, we can only ever slow down the LGBT conspiracy. Until we find a way to stop them completely, we must perpetuate the timeline as we have so far. I will continue to fight, here.

MegaZombieHillaReid (To her followers): Only we are people. Those who aren’t like us are Deplorables!

Cults and Flowers: How could you, Todd? Won’t you be going back in time?

Todd: I won’t be going back, Cults. You will. It must be you. Take this letter back to 2066. And then carry out your mission.

MegaZombieHillaReid (To her followers): We are Stronger Together. Choices are not for you.

Cults and Flowers: Can I read the letter?

Todd: Yes. It won’t make sense to you, or to the Dentist you will radio. But, you must trust me. And persuade the Dentist to trust me, as well.

[Cults and Flowers sits in the time capsule and closes the hatch…simultaneously asking a question]

Cults and Flowers: Wait! A dentist?!

[The hatch snaps shut. Starnes mightily throws the ranch keg at the giant screen, shattering the face of MegaZombieHillaReid, then activates the time machine with a wild gyration. Sparks fly and rainbow light fills the room until the time capsule disappears, and the scene fades to black as drones surround Todd.]
Scene 7

[Reopen on Cults and Flowers, sitting on the edge of the smoking time capsule amid the wasteland. Reading the opened letter]

Voice of Cults and Flowers as she reads: This won’t make sense to you, but you must trust me; in the name of all that is American, Christian and Conservative. The fate of freedom depends on you.

First, make your way to the Battery Park, LGBT Conspiracy tank depot. Steal a North Korean/Iranian Alliance Mega Tank, and mount a rainbow flag on it so that nobody may question anything you do.

[Flashback (forward?) to the North Korean/Iranian Alliance Mega Tank in 2067]

Next, you must radio The Fifth Dentist, instructing him to proceed to the Walgreens at GPS coordinates (40.748411, -73.985664), dig through the rubble, and plug in the mobility scooter.

[Flashback (forward?) to the Scooter in 2067]

Finally, proceed to coordinates (40.7562476,-73.9865081) [Todd’s Apartment], and drive over the rubble repeatedly until you hear a crunching noise. Then abandon the tank.

[Flashback (forward?) to the opening scene of 2067]

GodSpeed, Cults and Flowers. If you perform these steps, you will have saved us all.


[Cults and Flowers pulls her stick rifle over her shoulder, in preparation for a long walk. She turns toward the ruined city in the distance, and walks away from the camera.]

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