By: The Fifth Dentist

Why did I stop in this town?  I woke up in the hotel room this morning and started out walking toward downtown for breakfast.  Exhausted.  Hungry. God. So fucking hungry.

And the locals are creeping me out.  Just staring.  No friendly waves.  No, “howdy”.  Just staring.  Have they never seen a guy in a Denver Broncos cap?  Just weird.

As I approached the only stoplight in town, a group of these yokels exiting a church immediately stopped and stared at me walking by.  The little kids were even pointing.  Fuck almighty.  What a rude couple of kids.  Those parents are probably just as bad.

But, I’m human.  Feeling super self-conscious, I looked down and saw a drip from my snack on my chest.  Was it that?  These assholes can’t just let a guy know when he has some schmutz on his jammy jam?

Or, maybe they think the girl I had on a date last night was a local girl.

Frustrated, I yelled out, “What is it?  You guys think I’m stealing a local girl?!  She came into town with me.  Mind your fucking business.”

And that’s the truth.  I met her in the next town over at a bar.  Even saw her ID just to be sure she isn’t underage or anything.  She was sweet.  Man.  What a night.

As I rounded the corner toward a cafe, a local cop saw me and dropped his coffee.  Even adjusted his feet shoulder width apart.  What is this place?  These people are nuts.  But it’s getting dangerous now.

The cop drew his gun on me and shouted, “Stop.  Where are your clothes?!”

Figures.  Judgemental weirdos have never seen a naked man before.

“They’re back at the room!  They’re dirty.  Now leave me alone!  I just want breakfast!”, I shouted.

But he didn’t leave me alone.  He shouted again, “Don’t move, or I’ll shoot!”

Now I’m furious.  This is probably all because a guy from out of town had a date with him at the hotel.  Fucking clerk probably was being all nosy and called him.

“My date is back at the hotel.  Now leave me alone.  This is too chewy anyway.  I can’t get a good bite of it and I’m hungry.”

I throw her heart at him and drop my blood soaked hands, walking again toward the cafe.

“I’m just getting breakfast.  Leave me alone.”