Breathlessly recounted by TheFifthDentist
[Open on sound of pounding, fist repeatedly hitting glass, then fade in on visual of bedazzled hand limply striking door next to sign reading, “Murican Dispatch”].
Starting out as a small blog in 2017, Murican Dispatch grew before the Blunification into the largest multi-global media empire in the universe under the leadership of CEO and Chairman Valannin.
Its former NYC headquarters now under siege by a platoon of Muslim Liberal LGBTs, only the door of the Dispatch stood between the fiends and whatever they sought.
“Lieutenant Halterman! Allahu Akbar! Have you gained entry?” The platoon leader’s walkie talkie caused the platoon to jump, stop their banging, and to gyrate a bit.
“No sir Captain Venman. We cannot break this glass. All of us have dislocated our wrists. #BornThatWay. Over.”, said the Lieutenant.
Captain Venman furiously replied, “That is the most ridiculous story I have ever heard!”
And the ground shook. Dust fell from the edges of the Murican Dispatch doorway as a spherical flying bot flew from above the door and blinked at the Lieutenant. “Did you say that you have a ridiculous story? [beep]”
Private Nautius Max gyrated toward the bot with a bedazzled machete prepared to strike, but was deterred by Captain Venman whispering furiously over the radio, “Say yes lieutenant.” And Lieutenant Halterman held a finger to Private Max’s lips, then replied to the bot, “yesss”.
The bot flew back above the door and connected to the main Dispatch computer. “Beep. Booop. Bwwaaap.”, and the giant main door slid open…revealing an ancient but remarkably well preserved Chairman Valannin. “Please, come in and tell me your story. No story is too ridiculous.”
Meanwhile, across the unfruited NYC wasteland, the Deplorables community was blissfully perfect, as it had been every day since 1967 Starnes victory over the evil Muslim LGBT Liberal Hordes and their evil leader, MegaZombieTransHillaReid.
Brave boy and girl scouts, during the years of peace, had even managed to establish a link through the Lincoln tunnel to a potentially fruitable plain; known as ChristieVania. Artifacts and gigantic fossils seem to show that a humongous terrible beast known as The Christie consumed all organic matter on the land, until finally exploding in a shower of fertilizer. Legend holds that the pre-Christie land known as New Jersey once smelled about the same as the foot deep layer of fertilizer. But now, some fruiting of this plain would surely bring forth a bounty of food unknown since the old days.
It was hard work, but good Christian Boy and Girl scouts were beginning to see hope of a life above ground. Flags proudly waving in the breeze and giant crosses blotting out the sun.
Surely, the Hero NeoStarnes had given his life for the good of all Real Americans.
Flash back six years to the massive explosion and collapse of LGBT Conspiracy Headquarters. While it initially appeared as if none could survive, a different angle revealed a rainbow colored sphere bouncing away from the explosion. The sphere left a trail of rainbow paint as it rolled and disappeared under a camouflaged canopy where Times Square once stood.
Though smashing through the maintenance closet and paint storage were not pleasant and caused Todd’s clothing to be torn away, he was relieved to have survived the blast. He stood and looked around Old Times square and saw himself reflected in a window, painted head to toe in rainbow colors. Of course, the Gospel of HappyDays says the rainbow flag is a Christian flag, so Todd was pleased.
But his respite was short lived when he noticed a red, white and blue streak out of the corner of his eye. “Desnuda”, whispered the figure as it ran past and poked him. Then a red, white and green figure ran past from the other direction and poked him again. “Desnuda”, she whispered before disappearing. Then, before Todd could reconcile what was going on, hundreds of ladies, painted in colors of various flags swarmed around Todd, spinning him and finally pushing him into a seat.
The clear leader of the group slowly approached Todd. She was painted in red and white stripes, and white stars on her blue chest. “I am Kate Upton, and I am the leader of the Desnudas. Have you come to join us?” Todd was happy to see the good old flag and said, “Maybe. But who are the other Desnudas?”
Todd saw as the other Desnudas approached, a Mexican flag. A Polish flag, a Slovenian flag, a French flag…”This is Carmelita, and Paulina, and Melvankia, and Dumpster.
“Wait! Are these women illegal immigrants?!”, yelled Todd…right before being slapped across the mouth so hard, that rainbow paint flew from his face. Kate asked, “Do you really feel it important to see these women’s green cards?”
Starnes regained his vision and was suddenly able to see the Desnudas without any false patriotic anti immigrant panic. They were just fine looking women. And Todd didn’t care where they were from. “I can see it now Kate. I feel so liberated.”
“Yes Todd. We can see that you get it now. Let’s find you some pants.”, said the Desnuda leader.
Flash forward to 2073…Murican Dispatch corporate headquarters. The LGBT platoon leader, Lieutenant Halterman spoke to Murican Dispatch Chairman Valannin, “How might we be compensated for a story sir?” Lt Halterman knew from legend what the payment might be, but wanted to hear Chairman Valannin say it out loud.
“I can give each of you a TrumpyBear”, said Valannin. Lt Halterman radioed back to Capt Venman and explained the situation. And Capt Venman, knowing the earth shattering value of the TrumpyBears, began speaking.
Pvt Nautius Max held the walkie talkie over his head and gyrated as Capt Venman ad-libbed a tale of an overly ambitious young private named Schnautius Schmax. The young Private attempted several coups and was eventually made into a private holding a walkie talkie over his head.
Just as Private Max started to say, “hey”, Chairman Valannin finished writing and a pile of Trumpy Bears flew from the door before the headquarters closed again.
Capt Venman now shouted at Lt Halterman, “Have your troops grab their TrumpyBears and return to base. We have an assault to plan.
Meanwhile, the Deplorable scientists were hard at work trying to grow crops on the unfruited plain of ChristieVania. They continued planting chicken nuggets and packets of ranch, and clearing all of the useless cornweed, wheatweed and riceweed.
They could never have expected that their long lost hero was alive, so were initially frightened by the bounding, rainbow colored man; accompanied by a United Nations of Desnudas.
“Hark, my Deplorable brothers and sisters. It is I, the throat puncher. I’ve been alive, saved by my Desnuda sisters, and we bring tidings both of hope and fear. Always fear! But some hope too.”
Todd went on to explain his training since 2067 in the way of Desnudas and also in the mysterious universal power of the Davii.
“We can all work together. Behold, Señorita Mexican Desnuda knows that we must actually grow cornweed to feed chicken to grow nuggets. And Panna Polish Desnuda can teach us to grow wheatweed to feed cows and produce ranch. And the rest of the Desnudas can help you to fruit this unfruited plain of ChristieVania.”
Starnes continued, “Illegal immigrant Desnudas are our friends. Work beside them deplorables, and I will pray to the Davii for guidance and a bountiful harvest. Remember. We must never not be afraid.”
Todd went off toward old Atlantic City, looking back one last time to see the Deplorables and Desnudas fruiting the plain. Some hours passed in his travels until he arrived at the old Trump Casino in Atlantic City.
Todd quickly went inside and straight to the lounge MC station. He knew exactly how to summon the Davii. He turned down the house lights. Turned on a spotlight. And played a hopping brass section and a bouncy bass. “Ladies and Gentlemen. Please welcome…DAVIS!”
A storm of fog and multicolored flashing lights took over the room as the Davii appeared. Uptown Davis in his tuxedo. Midtown Davis in his polo shirt. Crosstown Davis in his fur cape and cane. A fleet of other Davises marched in from the lounge entrance as Slim Shady Davis shouted, “I’m the real Davis!”.
Todd, having trained for years now in the Way of the Davii, said loudly, “Davis is all!”
And the Davii fell silent as The Davis; Downtown Davis; emerged from backstage and spoke…”And all are Davis, young Starnes. Now. Why aren’t you working?”
Todd implored the Davii, “I seek guidance Davis. I feel that we must be afraid, but I know not what of.”
The Davii began answering in stereo from all around the lounge. “You are right to be afraid. ChristieVania is the lawn of the deplorables, and also of the desnudas. But some of the LGBT Muslim Liberals remain alive. They are coming over you!”
Todd asked, “I must stop them Davii. Will you help me?” The Davii began disappearing one by one, answering in fading unison, “Yes young one. Where there is a lawn in peril, we are always there. Go and save your lawn. You know how to summon us…”
…and the last of the Davii, Bette Davis, disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Todd immediately rushed toward the exit…but first checked to see if the buffet was open. Then, disappointed but undeterred, Todd mounted a mobility scooter and raced back toward the Deplorable plain fruiters.
As Starnes view of the ChristieVania valley emerged as he approached, his fears were validated. Though the LGBT Conspiracy Headquarters was destroyed in 2067, a rogue band of Gyrating LGBT Liberal Flag Kneeling Muslims was approaching in a caravan of electric cars and rainbow floats. Led by Captain Venman.
Without the leadership of MegaZombieTransHillaReid, the Venman Raiders had no orders, but no restraint. The fact that they had survived to gyrate here today proved that they were the most liberal. The most Muslim. The most dangerous.
Todd reached his Deplorable and Desnuda allies just in time to warn them, and they prepared for battle. Flags, stick guns and crosses at the ready. But they were soon struck with puzzlement as the Venman Raiders drew near and pulled out TrumpyBears. Strangely modified TrumpyBears with their BS chips removed.
Todd sensed the terrifying possibilities and called to the sky, “They are on our lawn! Help us Davii!”
As the Davii began appearing, Trumpy Bears, thrown by the Raiders began landing next to the Deplorables. Speaking strangely without their BS chips.
“I was never a Republican!”, said the first TrumpyBear. And each deplorable within a 10 meter radius fell to the ground, writhing in pain.
“Ronald Reagan thought I was a blowhard douche!”, said the second TrumpyBear. And an even larger group of deplorables was incapacitated.
Ten more TrumpyBears were thrown and fell amid all of the remaining deplorables. The Davii contacted Todd through DaviSSP, “Farewell young Starnes. We have no choice. The Davii will be gone. But the Davii are eternal.”
As the hopeless deplorables tried to cover their ears, knowing more TrumpyTruth could be fatal, a vortex opened in the sky above the soon to be fruited plain.
All of the Davii, in unison, summoned the extent of their power from all over the universe. Lightning flashed into and out of Davii, some appeared as ghostly x rays. Some appeared backward or upside down.
All of the Davii shouted at once:
The battlefield was pure white light. TrumpyBears and Davii flew into the space vortex. Deplorables regained their senses and chased after the Venman Raiders as the vortex closed. All of the Fake News about Trump was forgotten.
Only Captain Venman and Private Nauitius Max escaped to live out their days alone together. Lt Haltermann and the rest of the Raiders were captured by the desnudas and subjected to hours of exposure to hot ladies. Surely the ultimate means of conversion for Liberal Muslim LGBTs.
One month later, Queen Melania walked in her fantastic outfit and delicate shoes to the Fruited plain. She, Starnes, the Desnudas and the Deplorables all sat at tables and enjoyed the bounty of the Chik Fil A menu. Sweet tea, Polynesian sauce, Ranch and unlimited nuggets began the era of peace, prosperity and Desnudas across the Fruited plain.
A memorial to the Davii sat on the hill above. Overlooking the society that they saved.