Crafted by JackStraw
(A cold, mean rain falls hard on the gray, dystopian landscape. A lone figure in an enormous leather trench coat slouches against the boarded storefront and glowers from underneath an oversized fedora.)
The name is Starnes. Todd Starnes. I’m a “writer.” I defend America from liberals, Democrats and other literates. Think of me as the beat cop on the mean streets of your atheist, amoral cities, fighting for your right to wallow in ignorance and arrogance. Don’t thank me. It’s my job.
By day you know me as the Pulitzer-nominated gatekeeper of Todd’s American Dispatch. But what you don’t know is that by night I roam the fruited plain in search of perpetually offended liberal snowflakes who have read the Constitution. They can usually be found in middle school boy’s locker rooms and in the youth choir rooms of churches, which is why I’m banned from such places. But I’m out there. You’ve seen me. You know me. You know me by my multi-colored wig and “John 3:16” and “Free Candy” signs on my white, windowless van. That’s right, folks. I am The Rainbow Warrior.
Oh, I know what you’re thinking. “But Todd, that can’t possibly be you. You’re at least three times the size of that guy we saw at football games in the 70s. And he could read.” But that’s where you couldn’t be more wrong. It’s like they said to me at The Baptist Press…”Get out of here, you illiterate, lying, talentless, child-obsessed, ranch-covered hack!”
The Rainbow Warrior stands for real Americans, not the ones who insist on following our civil laws over God Almighty’s authority. These globalist free-thinkers are the enemy. They educate our children. They insist on exercising their civil rights. They rail against hypocrisy and religion and our beloved President Donald F. Trump (glory to His name!) This is why they must be stopped. This is why The Rainbow Warrior will never rest. God Bless America, MAGA, and yes, I’ll have fries with that.
The name is Starnes. Todd Starnes. And I am The Rainbow Warrior.