Words by NautiusMax
Sitting on the outskirts of the village was a small shack. The tribes men, especially Old Man Davis and Godblessu, used to talk badly about the strange man who lived there alone, referring to him as “that Sodomite”. The kids at the skool weren’t sure what that meant, but they knew enough to stay away as their moms told them they’d have sore rear ends if the ever went in the place. The tribal children all thought that meant they’d get another beating, but Timmy knew that isn’t what was being said.
Late at night though you’d see the men of the tribe including Davis sneaking off to the shack. After 20 minutes or so, they’d come out walking as if they were in pain. So much pain in fact an extra dose of oxycontin above and beyond their usual daily dose was needed to alleviate it. The next day they’d be back to bad-mouthing the Sodomite and pretending nothing had ever happened. His parents explained that this was an example of “ritual hypocrisy” in the tribe.
There was a final group of tribal members living in the village. Not even the other villagers liked them, but nobody could figure out what to do with them short of smothering them with pillows, face down of course. These included the town’s ex-sports star KCH1 who managed a 12 minute mile right before he finished his skoolin’ in the 7th grade, and the leaders of town ammosexuals Goodiscoming and Ephod. Most of the village sneakily engaged in ammosexuality, but in public declared their toys were for protection from something called “the gub’mint. Tim’s parents referred to that as the tribal paranoia that someone would come to take away all their shacks and mud, and make them use dentists and soap. Tim didn’t see why even those from Nairobi’s slums would want to steal their shacks and metal boxes.
One bright warm day in June, something new appeared in the village. It looked a lot like the metal boxes the villagers kept in their front yards, but it moved by itself and had black round thing where wood blocks held the tribal metal boxes. Nobody in the village knew what it was, but Tim from living in civilized places knew it was a “van”. The villagers mumbled about Satan and witchcraft.
The windows into the van were unbroken, and heavily tinted so nobody could see inside. The van listed heavily to one side, as if a massive weight was unbalanced within. On the front and back were metal plates with a lady holding a torch and numbers too large for the villagers. It said NY on the metal plates, which is where the cesspool-owning grifter was from, so the villagers thought that whoever was in the van was safe and there to also bring employment to their small village.
On the sides of the van were the words “Toddles The Clown Candy and Coloring Books”. Tim had to read the words for the other kids who couldn’t get past “The”, but all the kids were excited about candy as long as it wasn’t too hard to eat without teeth.
The van drifted through the town, seemingly at random, but if one looked closely, it drifted ever closer to the Skool. Finally it stopped on the street outside, and the engine was turned off. The van rocked heavily as if something were moving around inside. About the time Skool got out for the day, 10:30 AM, the side of the van lifted, and the music poured from a speaker set on the roof. It was barely intelligible given the scratches that occurred with it, but seemed to be the anthem of the national government. It was followed by “Dixie” and then repeated.
A gigantic man sat inside the van, wearing a clown outfit including comical glasses and a painted on smile. He smelled heavily of ranch dressing, fried chicken, and something reminiscent of the smell that came from the barn on Mariner’s farm. He was surrounded by candy of varying kinds, and by coloring books such as “The Bible For Dummies”, ” The Art of the Steal”, and “The Deplorables Guide to Murica”.
The tribal kids lined up at the van, but with dismay on their faces. Not one had any money at all, their parents having spent most of it on the pills and the powder which made dentists unnecessary. Toddles the Clown, noticing and in fact counting on this said that this was ok, that they could have some on the house this time. Tomorrow though, candy would be provided for barter, with the terms of each deal to remain a secret or the candy would not be provided ever again. To this the children readily agreed.