penned by The Fifth Dentist
Historians agree that the Camarillo High School decision, now known across the wasteland as the ‘Blunification’, was the final straw which caused the collapse of western civilization.
Though Todd Starnes and certain commenters saw the urgency of the situation, most Americans failed to heed their warnings.
But, from the ashes of the wasteland. Amid the carnage and debauchery, a barrel of Ranch Formula Z leaked into a collapsed apartment in the Manhattan Rubble Heap.
The highly potent Ranch Formula Z (Ranch Z) pooled on top of an NFL Boycott picket sign, then trickled down the side of an empty Jim Bakker Apocalypse Chow bucket.
Inside the bucket, a shriveled head with its tongue extended emitted a tiny cloud of dust when the first drop of Ranch Z splashed between its eyes.
A North Korean/Iranian Alliance Mega Tank with a Rainbow flag rumbled over the top of the rubble, shaking the ground and crushing the Ranch Z barrel.
Below, a pair of black rimmed birth control glasses (BCGs) shook down from the forehead to the face of the shriveled head. And the flood of Ranch Z from the crushed barrel streamed into the twisted mouth of the corpse.”
As the sun set on the wasteland, only the shattered outlines of troop/flag/cross memorials could be seen. Indistinguishable from the rest of the rubble.
A searchlight from LGBT Conspiracy Headquarters swept across burned cars and defiled bibles. And for an instant, a tiny, yet plump hand could be seen reaching up from the rubble.
[Suspenseful, mechanical music fades in. Wasteland shadows darken the screen]
And suddenly, the searchlight returns [Electric guitar solo joins] and illuminates a large, fully clothed man with perfectly parted hair. Emerging, but still waist deep in the rubble. The dark hero, NeoStarnes pushes his glasses up on his nose, staring menacingly at the camera, and whispering hoarsely, ‘Liiberaalss.’
[Fade to black and silence…except for a long, slow cymbow]
[Fast forward sweeping scene of the wasteland sunrise. Then zoom to NeoStarnes.]
Having so rapidly regained his original weight from the Ranch Z, NeoStarnes could only crawl or roll across the treacherous wasteland. He knew exactly where he was going, and continued tirelessly.
But, as he rounded a corner, he saw a group of rabid liberals in hot pants. And they saw him. Gyrating and foaming at the mouth, they approached.
NeoStarnes was utterly defenseless, but from the corner of his eye, he spotted a tree branch. He rolled to his right and broke off a loaded stick gun. He rolled back to his left and pulled the trigger. But nothing. The stick gun jammed and the gyrating liberals were upon him. Doing their level best to turn him into an LGBT.
In a desperate moment of heroic genius, NeoStarnes began singing, “Oh say can you seeee!”. The liberal mob was of course forced to kneel, allowing our hero to crawl away, singing, “oer the laaand of the freeEE…”
Now near his destination, NeoStarnes increased his pace. Switching from crawling to rolling. No more would the liberal Muslim illegal immigrant hordes come so close to turning him into an LGBT. The building was still intact, even after the BLM burnings of 2019. But the sign was mostly broken. [W lgr ns].
NeoStarnes pushed through the front door and found the means of his transition, and salvation. Todd crawled up on the mobility scooter, and his body dropped down, becoming one with the machine. MechaNeoStarnes rolled out the front door of the building. [No More Mister Nice Guy, by Alice Cooper plays.]
Todd knew what he had to do. Thinking as he rolled toward LGBT Conspiracy HQ. Careful to stay amid the rubble and out of sight. After so many years of LGBT Muslim liberal aggression, he wasn’t sure if there was anybody left to save. But, he wasnt deterred. At the very least, as MechaNeoStarnes, he would avenge his beloved America.
His mobility scooter ran over a piece of cardboard which slid away from a ramp leading to an old subway station. Before he could decide whether to roll down the ramp, a ragged troop of boy scouts and a similarly disheveled pack of brownies emerged from the tunnel. The boy scout with contraband American flags in both hands asked, “Is..is that you Todd Starnes?”
Todd was engorged with excitement at the sight of these children. All was not lost for his beloved America. Boys and girls. Dressed in separate but uniform colors. Respecting the flag. He knew now that his mission was not just for revenge, but for revolution.
He descended down the ramp into the tunnel to learn more about this last vestige of Real America. Dimly lit, Todd’s BCGs adjusted to reveal to him a row of ramshackle stands in a market. Each with a forbidden American flag. One, in particular stood out and Todd maneuvered over to the Chik Fil A stand. The shopkeeper lady smiled and asked in a deep voice, “What can I do for you Sir?”
Todd was instantly alerted to something fishy. But played it smart. “Three number one combos with ranch, and a shake please. And a Diet Coke.” The lady went to retrieve the food and Todd looked around the other shops. None of the other ladies had full beards. Hmm.
Todd took his mid-morning snack and sat in the corner. Watching and waiting…and eating. After ten minutes, he saw the suspicious Chik Fil A lady close her stall and walk down a maintenance tunnel. Having finished his meal 9 minutes ago, he followed from a distance. Hoping his squeaky wheel wouldn’t give him away.”
Right before a hairpin turn in the maintenance tunnel, Todd heard a man and woman talking. He peeped through a grate in the wall, breathing heavily, and saw the Chik Fil A lady talking to a man on the computer monitor. Was that…it was! Harry Reid. But as he spoke, it was the voice of Hillary Clinton coming from his mouth. “What did I tell you Sally, we need to find the queen of the deplorable rebels. Your incompetence will not be tolerated.” And Sally, the Chik Fil Lady replied, “Please, have patience MegaZombieTransHillaReid. I will find her. Signing off. #BornThatWay.
Todd slowly reversed his scooter toward the marketplace and considered all of what he had learned. “Hillary transed into zombie Harry Reid. And there is a queen of the rebels, who is being pursued by a spy in their midst. A bearded spy cleverly disguised as a Chik Fil A woman with a wig and lipstick. And there is still Chik Fil A. So thats kind of cool….” and then the floor dropped from under MechaNeoStarnes.
In total darkness, Todd hit the floor hard and tipped sideways on his scooter. He could hear the trans-chik-fil-a-man-woman above. She had heard the commotion and leapt into the hole behind him. Todd pulled two shake-straws from his pocket and held them in the sign of the cross. But in the darkness, his evil opponent was unaffected. She jumped onto our hero and began gyrating. Starnes was nearly overcome with fatal embarrassment, and an odd tingling, but he once again thrust his straws forward in the sign of the cross.
The trans-chik-fil-a-man-woman screamed out and fell away as the sign of the cross was burned into her forehead. Starnes rolled onto her and applied his patented Throat Punch. Over and over until the evil being ceased struggling.
Exhausted and startled, Todd rolled away from a beam of light as a wall suddenly opened up beside him. It was a door into a cavernous room. From inside, he saw golden light and heard angelic singing. Todd remounted his scooter and rolled inside to meet the exiled queen of the deplorables. And she spoke. “Dahlink. You haff saved me.”
“Approach and stand before me Sir Knight. Your arrival was foretold in the Gospel of HappyDays.”, said Queen Melania.
Todd rolled to the foot of the throne and struggled mightily to his feet. “Yes, my queen. Anything for you.”
Melania continued, “Sir Todd, we require you to infiltrate LGBT Conspiracy HQ and stop the evil MegaZombieTransHillaReid. He have in our possession, evil writings that cause people to transform into evil LGBT liberal muslims. Leave our deplorable safe space, read this, and then you know what you must do.”
Todd reached up and received from Queen Melania, the scroll of polls written by Holly, the wickedly persuasive.
[Instrumental song plays as Todd returns to his original dwelling across the wasteland and fade to the StarnesCave.]
Todd settled into his LaZBoy and opened the Scroll of Polls. The spirit of Wayne the Disciple flashed in Todd’s head before his eyes reached the paper. (It’s too dangerous. You’ll become a Muslim forever!).
But Todd was pursuing a higher purpose. Self sacrifice was necessary. He looked at the polls, and the torment began immediately. Todd writhed and grimaced as he read:
– “57% of 100 people think Trump is a big meanie” [No. Arrgh!]
– “99% of Americans want somebody else to pay their doctor bills.” [Grrr. Yeargh.]
-“60% of the time, it works every time.”
…and Todd fell unconscious…before his eyes flashed open as a storm of blue light swirled around him. His BCGs flew from his face and shattered on the wall. He shrieked as his hair became a man bun and his face grew a goatee. His shattered BCGs reformed into wire spectacles and slammed onto his face.
Todd twisted and gyrated in his chair as he quadruple transed and the blue light went dark. [Cut to ground level.]
A lean figure in a rainbow t shirt and hot pants sprung from Todd’s dwelling, munching on some fair trade granola and said in an effeminate voice, “Allahu Akbar ssswetie”.
DarkNeoStarnes began jogging and gyrating in his stylish, bedazzled shoes toward LGBT Conspiracy Headquarters, and destiny.
No sooner had he completed his first series of choreographed gyrations when a group of gyrating Iranian/North Korean Muslim LGBTs confronted him.
They aimed their pink anti gun guns at him and said suspiciously, “As-Salaam-Alaikum”. Todd replied confidently, “Wa-Alaikum-Salaam”.
The mob persisted, “Did you choose to be LGBT?” Todd replied, “Impossible! I was #BornThatWay”. The group relaxed and Todd joined in a brief showtune rendition of Born This Way.
Then Todd asked the leader of the mob, “I wish to fight deplorables. How can I join your cause?”
The leader replied with a lisp, “MegaZombieTransHillaReid will ssimply adore you. Come with usss.”
To the tune of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s, Relax, the group jogged and gyrated their way to the gate of LGBT headquarters.
The gate, which resembled a man’s pants, opened before them and they wiggled through the entrance.
Inside, the glitter floors and pink walls distracted DarkNeoStarnes, but he maintained his composure. “Faabulousss”, said Todd. And the leader took him by the hand to meet MegaZombieTransHillaReid.
Inside, the throne room was papered with newspaper articles about Hillary and upon a massive pile of money sat MegaZombieTransHillaReid. She gazed at DarkNeoTodd and he knew instinctively how to engage her in conversation. He pulled a million dollar bill from his pocket and threw it on the pile.
“Welcome stranger. We are stronger together.”
“YMCA” played loudly in the room and all, including Todd, began gyrating, smoking pot and praying to Allah.
As he danced though, Todd saw a spirit Bear appear alongside a sassy girl with green thumbs and a lady wearing Mary Janes. And they said, “Remember your mission Todd.”
DarkNeoStarnes immediately gyrated over to MegaZombieTransHillaReid, threw a billion dollar bill on the pile, and asked, “May I use tour computer to check my Twinder?” And she replied mechanically, “The price is right. Go ahead.”
Todd gyrated out of the room, up the stairs, and into the pink command center.
Todd clicked right into the core system and was prompted for a password. But knowing the cybersecurity skills of the DNC, Todd knew that entering “password” would do the trick.
He pulled an ancient thumb drive from his pocket, plugged it in, and clicked to broadcast before running out of the room.
As Todd ran down the hall, and then the stairs, he heard a growing cacophony of screams on the video monitors, and then from the residents of LGBT Conspiracy HQ.
As the 2016 election reaction videos played on a loop, MegaZombieTransHillaReid and her minions writhed in puddles of tears. Unable to muster any resistance.
Todd raced toward Hillary’s closet and set fire to her pantsuits and autographed books. Turning to escape the area, Todd was blocked and confronted by a tuxedoed Colonel Milanoit.
Todd knew that he could never defeat the colonel, and resigned himself to the final solution. He pulled a MAGA grenade from his pocket and pulled the pin.
[Camera zooms out to explosion and collapse of HQ.]
Chaos ensued in the wasteland. Democrats turned on democrats. Republicans turned on republicans. Manly men stopped watching football and LGBT folks argued with feminists.
Back at deplorable HQ, full power was restored and the residents stayed secluded, but unnoticed. Boys acted like boys, girls acted like girls, and show-prayer coaches ran up to pray for anybody who would watch.
The MAGA effect is historically known to render four years of chaos upon the planet, and the scene fades to black before revealing a tweet scrolling across the screen.